LYNX LIFE LIBRARY

What is self-care, really?

Everyone hears that you need to practice “self-care,” but what does that really mean? 

For most people, the phrase “self-care” calls to mind all kinds of things that you can do like work out, meditate, practice yoga, take a shower/bath, ride a bike, be outside, spend time with friends, play video games, read a book for fun, watch a movie or a show, listen to a podcast, temporarily turn off your phone, eat healthy food, take a social media vacation, etc.  Those are all very useful and healthy wellness activities and function effectively as actions that can be taken in the interest of your self-care.  By themselves however, author and psychiatrist Pooja Lakshim, MD calls them “faux self-care” because while they can absolutely be helpful, alone they are unlikely to make a lasting difference.  And, if you’re judging or blaming yourself for not feeling up to doing them, too busy on a given day or not meeting your goals about how exactly you wanted to get them done, then they can become problematic and sources of stress.  

“Real self-care” is deeper than the things you do externally, it’s more of an internal process that’s about guiding you toward longer-term emotional wellness and reimagines how you interact with others.  It’s about self-knowledge, self-compassion, and the willingness and courage to make difficult decisions. This creates a kind of well-being that is focused more on deriving meaning and having actions in your life that are consistent with your values, and it tends to give a greater sense that your life has purpose.  Instead of focusing on breaks, pleasure or happiness, “real self-care” emphasizes personal growth, accepting your authentic self, and feeling connected to what matters to you. “Real self-care is an internal solution; it’s about changing your internal reality—or your consciousness.” 

Wellness activities can provide temporary relief but can’t change you internally unless you also do the work of real self-care. Principles of real self-care:

1. Set boundaries with others
2. Change how you talk to yourself (self-compassion)
3. Bring in what matters most to you—recognizing that it will be different for others so what works for someone else may not work for you.

Boundaries

In mental health, “boundaries” refers to the limits and guidelines that individuals establish to protect their emotional and psychological well-being.  Setting and enforcing boundaries means you are saying no to the things and the people that you do not want to do or spend time with or don’t feel healthy for you, that you don’t have the time for right now or feel like they are too much or too draining.  Sometimes these boundaries are set with others and sometimes they are set within yourself.  Setting and enforcing boundaries can be easier said than done, it often means that we will run into our own feelings and/or the feelings of others.  

Self-compassion

How do you talk to yourself?  Have you ever stopped to notice?  If you stop and listen, you might hear that your internal voice is pretty critical.  Many people find they can be critical of themselves, judging every thought and action.  And, if you heard a friend talking to themselves that way, you’d probably say something to your friend about being more kind, gentle, accepting or understanding to themselves.  When you talk to yourself with compassion, you talk to yourself as if you were your own friend, it’s you being kind and respectful to yourself. You can either counter the existing critical inner monologue or actively and intentionally engage in self-talk that is more understanding, kind, respectful, accepting, and loving to you.  You give yourself permission to be good enough, right now, just as you are--even if you are a work in progress (like everyone else).  When you do this consistently, it tends to lead to more inner kindness, lightness and peace.  

Identify your values/what matters to you 

Bring in what matters most to you. What actually matters to you? To who you are right now, not who you were before, who you want to be in the future, or who others in your life might expect you to be.  Sometimes that’s a harder question to answer than it seems on the surface.  Stop and let yourself really think about what matters to you most in terms of how you are treated and how you are experiencing the world.  What makes you feel seen, heard, and understood?  What makes you feel like you matter?  Identifying these things is identifying your values.  When you know what your values are, understanding them helps you move towards what you want and how you want to experience the world. Knowing your values can also guide you in setting and enforcing boundaries and can assist you to speak to yourself with more compassion. Values also can change over time, they may be different now than they used to be, that’s normal and it’s worth taking the time to check in with yourself about what your values are today and if you feel you’re living in accordance with them and if not, what you might want to do about that.  

How Do I Do This? 

For most, this is a new way of thinking and behaving in the world so any number of things may come up for you as you think about or try to implement it, you may find yourself needing new or more skills. If something specific in your life needs to change, you may benefit from practicing problem solving skills which allow you to identify and complete a task or action that moves something forward in a tangible way.  If you run into your own feelings or a sense of stuckness, having ways to reduce your stress in the moment will enable you to think more clearly and act more intentionally so emotion regulation skills can be helpful.  Sometimes connecting with a core identity as an individual or as part of a collective or connecting with someone important in your life can help you access support along the way.  Sometimes, accessing professional assistance through counseling can help, too.  

The ideas and information in this article are derived from “Real Self Care” by Pooja Lakshmin, MD, available as a book, ebook, or audiobook, I recommend reading it to learn more.