LYNX LIFE LIBRARY

We are taught a lot of things in school, but we are not taught much about healthy interpersonal relationships. Whether it's a romantic relationship, family relationship, friendship, professional relationship, or academic relationship, our emotions and sense of safety matter. It helps us determine whether this is the right relationship for us, and also whether we want to become closer with, or distance ourselves from certain people. Emotional safety is the foundation of any healthy relationship from which trust and security are built. 

However, sometimes our understanding of what it means to feel safe emotionally is skewed by the relationships we grow up around. If our caregivers or other significant relationships we witness are abusive, neglectful, or unstable emotionally, we might normalize that and think that is what relationships should look like. This is further complicated by the degree and intersections of marginalized identities we might hold as that often influences how we are treated by society. In a lot of ways, our treatment by society and those who hold power in it can be very much like an emotionally abusive relationship, whether it's in the form of direct personal attacks or indirect microaggressions. And as with family and the relationships we grow up with, we don't always see it as abuse because it is the norm. This does not mean we are stuck with or destined to repeat these unhealthy patterns from family or society. Free will and neuroplasticity both allow us to learn and change as we go. The journey may not always be easy, but we can certainly be the authors of our own story; and who an emotionally safe person is to us might also evolve as we evolve. 

Emotionally safe does not mean emotionally perfect. It is not realistic to expect people, yourself included, to behave or handle everything perfectly all the time. We are all humans after all. However, there is a difference between occasional missteps or slip-ups and patterns of behavior that most of the time either promote or diminish emotional safety within the relationship.

Here are a few patterns to look out for that can help you recognize an emotionally safe person:

• Respect for your privacy, space, time, boundaries, and relationships with others
• Transparency of intentions, in that their actions match their words
• Feelings are appreciated and appropriately expressed
• Curiosity and regard for your circumstances rather than judgment 
• Consistent, proportional behaviors and reactions
• Validation is offered and received freely without conditions
• Power dynamics are recognized with the person holding greater power taking greater responsibility for corrective actions
• Practices accountability and takes responsibility for their actions
• Can regulate their own emotions instead of expecting you to make them feel better
• Communicates concerns openly as they arise rather than withholding information to ambush later
• Actively listens, asks questions about you, and shares about themselves
• You feel energized, lighter, understood, hopeful, clarity, and overall positive after most interactions

It can sometimes be easier to understand who an emotionally safe person is by considering the opposite of who an emotionally safe person is not. Here are a few patterns of someone who may not be an emotionally safe person: 

• You feel safe one moment, then unsafe another moment
• You feel fear, dread, or triggered whenever you see a text, email, or call from them
• They are controlling of your time, space, or relationships with others that limits functioning
• The relationship is focused on one person's needs and wants at the expense of the other
• They are unwilling to understand or acknowledge your perspective despite multiple attempts to explain
• They have a lack of empathy for your experiences or emotions
• They insult, blame, belittle, or vilify you on a regular basis
• They act appropriately in front of other people but treat you badly when alone together
• Winning or being right in an argument is more important to them than your feelings
• They twist what you say or do and use your own words or actions against you
• They exhibit intense, violent, or irrational rages or reactions that grow way out of proportion from what it started out as
• You feel manipulated or gaslit by what they are saying which makes no logical sense
• They always need to be in control and have meltdowns when they are not
• You feel exhausted, confused, overwhelmed, hopeless, misunderstood, and overall negative after most interactions

These lists are not meant to be comprehensive or a checklist but just a starting point to work off if you are uncertain. Emotional safety is subjective, colored by our experiences and cultural context, among other things. It is not something other people can define for us. Maybe this article can help you start thinking about the nuances of emotional safety for yourself. Who is an emotionally safe person in your life? What about this person allows you to feel this way? Are there any emotionally unsafe people in your life? Are you an emotionally safe person? What areas are strengths emotionally and what areas might benefit from growth?