Healthy Happy Life

Do you feel like you are too much and not enough all at once? Have you been told you’re too emotional, too bossy, too loud? Not smart enough, good enough, or doing enough? Maybe it’s what you have been told your whole life. Maybe it’s how others have made you feel. Maybe it’s how you feel when comparing yourself to others. It’s usually not something we arrive at in isolation. Is it society’s narrative towards specific groups of people? Is it intentional or just convenient? Who does it benefit, and who does it trap? Of course, in the end, no one wins. 

It's hard to feel confident in yourself if you feel like you are taking up too much space and need to subdue yourself to be accepted and loved. At the same time, it also fuels perfectionism in everything you do to prove your worth in taking up the space that you do. This is a vicious cycle that makes you doubt, shun, and ultimately sacrifice yourself for the sake of others’ regard. While that might feel sustainable or even noble for a time, in the long run, it can eat away at you and all your relationships. You’re constantly trying to both do more and be less. How unfair and exhausting is that?

Resentment is common, because, after all, with all the extra things you have to do or put up with for them, they can’t even be bothered to remember your birthday or know how overwhelmed you already are. How one-sided does that feel, and how entitled are they? But the thing is people probably have no idea that the perfect, subdued version of yourself requires work and is done for their benefit or validation. It might not have even crossed your mind. But that version is just who you are to them, the norm of what they expect from you, so why can’t they be who they are with you and expect you to accept their norm? After all, relationships are mutual, right? 

So how to get out of these vicious cycles? It’s important to do your own self-esteem work instead of relying on others to give you what’s missing. No one can do for you what you can’t do for yourself emotionally. They can help and support you, but they can’t do it for you. There is a difference. Feeling enough in who you are is a journey that takes time and energy that is worth giving to yourself. Not just so you can grow, but also so your relationships can be fulfilling and lasting.  

When you think of yourself as just uniquely you, not too much or too little, think about everything you have to offer yourself and the world. Who sees that? Who appreciates it? Who deserves your regard?  

Below are some suggestions to help set yourself up for success in building self-esteem: 

• Think about the times you had felt the most joy and confidence. What were you doing and who were you with? 
• Find your passion(s). Consider what you enjoy that you would like to do more of and strengthen those skills? Maybe something that excites you, motivates you, or brings you joy when you think about it. How would you feed that daily or weekly?
• What could you do less of or stop doing that has made you feel worse every time you engage with it? Think about how you would feel 3 months or 1 year from now if you did that.  
• Consider one small thing you can do for yourself today or this week that helps you feel good about yourself. 
• Ask yourself what is getting in the way of your self-esteem. Is it related to your relationship with your family, friends, or coworkers? What would have to happen for you to begin to feel confident in yourself? What are your options to start to work on this in the next couple of days?
• Look for mutually supportive relationships. Who do you trust, admire, and respect? Who trusts, admires, and respects you? Who helps you feel more yourself? How can you spend more time with them?  
• Recognize that your needs are just as important as anyone else's. How can you be fair to yourself and others? 
• Remember you don’t have to apologize for disagreeing with others or having your own perspective. What and who helps you be assertive and speak your truth?
• What are your values in life? Gravitate towards people who help you stick to them. Distance yourself from people who make you feel you have to abandon your values to conform or please them.