J.J. Seggelke's people hail from the north, where everyone he knows denies they sound just like characters from Fargo. He maintains that they do. To wit: His grandma genuinely uses the phrases “you betcha” and “dontcha know.” As a child, he was largely educated by a steady diet of "A-Team" episodes and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. When he was in third grade, his family came to more mountainous pastures so he could know the joys of seeing the sun in winter.
After high school, he chose to further his education back in his frozen native lands in the hopes that he might, just once, be able to wrestle a live moose (he saw one once, but the clearly intimidated beast didn't want none). Upon getting his degree from St John’s, JJ sought to emulate Marco Polo, his favorite explorer and second-favorite swimming pool game (he’s a Sharks and Minnows man, through and through), by moving to the land of China. He was unfortunately not given an audience in Kublai Khan’s court and was forced to seek employment as a purveyor of the English language at Xiamen University. He learned precious little Mandarin, most of which centered on the procuring and consumption of alcohol.
Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a writing consultant of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire...JJ Seggelke.