Remember that you cannot make someone get help or change his or her attitudes and behaviors. You can make a significant difference by sharing your concerns, providing support, and knowing where to get more information. Offer emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
Take care of yourself. Be sure to take time for yourself. It is important to pay attention to your own health while helping a friend. Know your limits, don't overextend yourself.
Although you may be willing to do anything and everything to help, don't try to take over your friend's life. Offer support, but be patient.
Be prepared for all possible reactions. Your friend may deny that he or she has a problem. Sometimes people react with hopeless statements saying "there is nothing anyone can do" or with anger "leave me alone - who asked for your help". Realize that this is the depression talking, so don't become defensive or give up. If your friend won't listen to you, you may need to tell someone else. Mental health concerns do not clear up on their own. Consider talking to an RA, a dean, your friend's parents, a teacher, a doctor, a counselor, or another trusted adult. If you're not sure what to do, always refer or ask for help. By telling someone, you are not betraying your friend, you are helping him or her. Counselors are available to talk with you about how to best help a friend.
Helping another person involves listening, understanding, caring and planning together. The following are some guidelines that you might consider as you assume a helping role.
Helping a friend through a tough time can be really difficult. Whether your friend has a mental health difficulty or is simply going through stressful circumstances in college, chances are your friend will turn to you for support and help. Being as informed as possible about these issues is an important first step.
Signs and Symptoms of Distress
Be aware of real trouble signs. If any one of these lasts only a short time, that can be normal. But if you know a friend with several of these problems lasting more than a couple of weeks, he or she may be nearing a crisis. Your friend needs help! The warning signs can include:
- complaining of sadness or crying more often
- being irritable on most days or having unexpected angry outbursts
- losing interest or pleasure in most activities
- avoiding friends, activities, school, social events
- escaping by daydreaming or sleeping all the time
- experiencing sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep
- feeling fatigued or exhausted
- eating much less or more than normal or having other changes in appetite
- bingeing, purging, excessive dieting or other problematic eating behaviors
- worrying or being unable to think of anything but the problem
- experiencing declining grades or other academic problems
- talking like there is no hope, even in the future
- feeling worthless or experiencing excessive guilt
- increasing use of alcohol and/or drugs
- exhibiting severe behavior change, such as a quiet person becoming wild or active
- showing greatly increased energy, decreased need for sleep, euphoria, or manic behavior
- thinking or talking about death or dying
There are other signals that should be taken particularly seriously because they are Suicide Danger Signals
- experiencing severe depression and hopelessness
- making verbal or written threats (including email) of harm to self or others
- preparing for death (giving away prized possessions, saying goodbye)
- exhibiting self-injurious or self-destructive behaviors
- having a past history of suicidal threats or attempts
Being a helping friend
It is important to remember that you cannot be responsible for other people’s actions when they are stressed, depressed, or suicidal. Whether they are crying out for help or suffering silently in despair – only they can help themselves. What you can do is be the most caring and responsible friend possible during the hard times. This means listening to their concerns, supporting them, and helping them get professional help.
If you decide to help then do it with H.E.A.R.T.
- Hear-Stop what you’re doing and really listen to what your friend is saying. Sometimes just letting people vent and talk about their feelings helps them to feel better.
- Empathize – Acknowledge what you have heard and let your friend know you understand. Express concern and interest. Repeat back the essence of what your friend has said. Reflect feelings and summarize your friend’s concerns. Avoid criticizing or sounding judgmental. Remember, even if the problem does not seem real to you, it may be very important to your friend.
- Assess the situation - Ask your friend, "What have you thought about doing?" What are his or her options? Does your friend have the resources (skills, information, support, training, money, etc.) needed to handle the problem? Discuss the pros and cons of different courses of action. Don’t expect to have all the answers to solve your friend’s problem.
- Refer- Be aware of signs and symptoms that indicate your friend needs professional help.
Be honest about your concerns. Do not agree to be secretive about his or her problem. Help your friend find appropriate help. Offer to go with him or her to talk with a professional.
- Tell- Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for college students. When people are suicidal they need immediate help. Seek professional assistance.
How Can I Help a Depressed or Suicidal Person?
It is useful to listen in a manner that shows appreciation of the person's difficulties. This does not mean entering into the despair; an attitude of careful optimism is appropriate. Depressed individuals are very often wrapped up in their own concerns; advice should be simple and practical, and may have to be repeated. When there is a threat or real possibility of suicide, it is important to stay close to the individual until professional help is obtained.
Change can be slow. Putting out energy and getting no response can be frustrating. People in a helping role should try to make sure their own needs are being met. Too high a level of frustration can lead to anger and a sudden decision to withdraw. It is a good idea to seek assistance well before this point is reached.
Suicidal individuals often try to convince others that the "worst" thing would be to let anyone know of their plight. Friends put in this position should consider the possible consequences of failing to obtain professional help. It is a sign of caring to bring a person to treatment that may alleviate suffering and save a life.
What Is Depression?
Everyone feels down at times. The breakup of a relationship or a poor evaluation in class can lead to low spirits. Sometimes sadness comes on for no apparent reason. Is there any difference between these shifting moods and what is called depression? Anyone who has experienced an episode of depression would probably answer yes. The duration and depth of despondency, and the presence of characteristic symptoms, help distinguish depression from ordinary unhappiness. This is important because in severe cases depression can be life threatening. Suicide is a possible outcome. Depressed individuals may also fail to live up to their potential, doing poorly in school and staying on the social margin. Depression is frequently ignored or untreated; the condition often prevents people from taking steps to help themselves. This is unfortunate as effective help is available.
Signs of Depression
Anyone who feels down nearly every day for weeks or months may be clinically depressed. Depressed individuals may experience:
- Loss of pleasure in virtually all activities.
- Feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
- Frequent tearfulness
- Difficulty with concentration or memory
- A change in sleep pattern, with either too much sleep or too little. Some depressed people wake up often in the night and do not feel rested the next day.
- An increase or decrease in appetite, with a corresponding change in weight.
- Markedly diminished interest in sex.
- Feelings of worthlessness and self blame.
- Exaggerated feelings of guilt.
- In some cases, very unrealistic ideas and worries, for instance, the belief that one has a terminal illness or is being pursued for a past crime.
- Hopelessness about the future.
- Thoughts of suicide.
Some Misconceptions About Suicide
- "People who talk about it seldom do it."
The truth is that few individuals are single-minded in their decision for death; many are asking for help even as they approach the final act. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously.
- "People who really want to kill themseves are beyond help."
Fortunately, this is not the case. Suicidal impulses may be intense but short-lived. The majority of individuals who are suicidal even for extended periods recover. All can benefit from treatment.
- "Suicide is a purely personal decision."
This argument is sometimes used to justify a "hands-off" attitude. It is a misconception because suicide always affects others. The dismissal is unfair to those who are struggling with suicidal impulses and need help in choosing to live.
- "Asking about suicide can put the idea in someone's mind."
The idea of suicide does not originate this way. Suicidal individuals are engaged in a private struggle with thoughts of death. Talking about the possibility of suicide can alleviate the loneliness of the struggle, and can be a first step in obtaining help.
Eating patterns of people with eating problems can cause serious medical complications. Anorexia nervosa and bulimia are two serious eating disorders which frequently affect college students. Early recognition and referral for treatment will improve chances for full recovery.
Anorexia nervosa is a pattern of self-imposed starvation. It can be recognized by the following behavioral, emotional and physical symptoms:
Behavioral
- Unusual eating habits -- preoccupation with food and dieting
- Excessive physical activity -- with the goal of burning calories
- Withdrawal from friends and family because of focus on weight loss
- Overuse of laxatives to lose weight
Emotional
- Lack of self esteem, depression, thoughts about suicide
- Denial of an underweight condition and the desire to still lose more weight
Physical
- Extreme weight loss
- Absence of menstruation
- Cavities and gum disease
- Extreme sensitivity to cold
- Hair, nail and skin problems
What causes anorexia nervosa? The causes may be psychological, biological or social. One thing that all experts agree on is that food itself is not the cause. Early detection and treatment are necessary to prevent permanent damage to the heart, reproductive organs, and other internal organs.
Bulimia is an eating disorder characterized by binge eating and self-induced vomiting. Some of the same symptoms are present as with anorexia. Some people with anorexia later add symptoms of bulimia as an alternative way of controlling weight.
Having the Conversation
- Think through who the best person is to do the talking.
Select which of you has the best rapport with this person. Be compassionate, open and informal in the discussion. Know your own limitations.
- Pick a time to talk when you (or the roommate) are feeling calm & not upset.
It may be harder for the roommate/friend to open up if s/h64044e fears that they may be causing you pain.
- Create a safe environment: pick a time that you know you won’t be interrupted.
A time limit can be a barrier to the person opening up.
- Consider writing down what you want to say ahead of time.
It is inevitable that you will feel anxious or worried when you start to talk. If you decide what to say in advance, it will help you be clearer less anxious.
- Discuss your concerns with a professional who is knowledgeable about eating disorders, being careful to respect the person’s confidentiality
Student and Community Counseling Center
The Counseling Center is located in the North Classroom 4036 and offers services to students, faculty, and staff at the University of Colorado Denver. You may also call the Counseling Center if you need consultation to help you support a student or friend.
303-556-4372
Behavioral Evaluation and Threat Assessment Team
The Behavioral Assessment and Threat Assessment Team (BETA) is a new resource at the University of Colorado Denver that can provide resources and information to faculty, staff or student community members who are confronted with individuals who may be threatening, disruptive, or otherwise problematic. The Team provides guidance and consultation and may make referrals to appropriate campus or community resources
Contact BETA by calling 303-566-3682 or submitting the Concern Form online.
Student Academic Success
The University of Colorado Denver offers a variety of services and resources to help students succeed academically. For a list of centralized services and resources please visit the Student Academic Success Page.
Auraria Campus Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Student Services
GLBT Student Services is a tri-institutional office on the Auraria Campus serving the students, faculty and staff of Metropolitan State College of Denver, Community College of Denver and University of Colorado at Denver and Health Sciences Center. We are available to all Auraria students as a resource for exploring issues of sexual orientation and gender identity. Visit us online or in the Tivoli Student Union Suite 213.
When and how to refer
When considering a referral for a student, it is very important to remember that students may be hesitant to the idea of assistance. Unfortunately, there is still a stigma attached to mental health counseling or even academic skills assistance which prevents many students from taking advantage of the many different resources our campus offers. The UC Denver Student and Community Counseling Center offers more than just mental/emotional health counseling. The following is a short list of the many services the center provides:
- Individual, Couples, and Family Counseling
- Groups on various topics including, "How to Quit Smoking", "How Reduce Stress", "How to Maintain a Relationship" etc.
- Tips on reducing test anxiety and how to study better
- Learning disability assessment
Suggestions for a Successful Referral
- Know where the counseling center is located and get to know a counselor or two by name – easier to refer to a person
- Students get 10 sessions per semester that are already paid for with their student fees
- If possible, offer to walk a student to the center – this shows that you care and allows you to know if the student followed through on visiting the center